Guess who’s bizack
So its been two years since I wrote in this blog and I just took a trip of a lifetime down memory lane reading all my posts.
In some ways I’ve grown. In other ways I remain stagnant.
Life has gone on and continued to be very interesting.
Today I have a headache and a LOT of work to do. Prayerfully I’ll get through this day and back in my bed quickly.
Missed my flight
On my 3rd standby list…..So I’m iPhone tumblin’. Bout to catch up on every since I been gone for a lil bit. Hope all is well, some of ya’lls lives read like a novel…who needs books when u got tumble
Its not him, its me
Right now I am very pissed at myself because I have wasted too many thoughts today wondering why I haven’t heard from Ben all day. I’ve called twice with no answer. Is he with her? Why do I give a fuck really, its so pathetic that I want to punch myself in the eye.
Here’s the gotcha gotcha. Last Wednesday he told me that he was planning on break up with her… meaning (in process) and that he wanted to be with me. Then the rest of the night I heard numerous “I love yous”. I’d disconnected and suddenly I’m reconnected again. DAMMIT. I even asked him the next day was he “for real” about what he said. He said yes. So needless to say I was very happy, this was a turning point for us….he’d also invited me to a family get together on Saturday. I went, had blast, spent the night, had a blast… no talking of the pending break up or nothing like that just good times with me, him and the family. I had even let him meet my son. HUGE step, why, cause we’re a package deal right….maybe too soon but I wanted to test out how they’d both react. Everything went well. Lil man keeps asking to go back over there. I’ve been so happy and so focused.
And in one day, I’ve lost all focus. I’m irritated and aggravated that I’m back in the same place again. Its really complicated bullshit that I don’t need, the games, the wondering, the round the world and back again emotions, and conversations that keep me guess and wanting more. I don’t want to be too clingy but damn make a decision and stick with that shit. Is it so hard to text. Am I asking for too much here. The part of the brain that causes me to torture myself like this needs to be ripped out. I know that he is not worth these many words, posts, thoughts….. I AM worth all this. I’m worth someone pining over me. Guess who’s doing it? Yep, the STBX. He sends me inspirational messages everyday. He tells me I’m beautiful when we are on Skype with our son. He finally got a good job working in Florida so he’s paying for daycare and offering to help with other things too. He’s doing everything he wouldn’t do for me when he had me. Ben is more of an indulgence than anything. He’s super sexy, to me. I love his body, his lips and all together swagger. He’s a gentlemen but he’s not soft. He showers me with compliments and hugs and kisses and unlimited affection when we are together. I told him that I trust him (which I clearly don’t cause I’m trippin about him not calling). I told him I love him (not really sure about this either). I appreciate the things Ben do more but he is actually probably less genuine than the STBX.
WTF is up with this… I can’t blame it on the PMS. Its all me- my emotions, my need for attention that causes me to always want another “hit”. Guess how much work I could have gotten done if I’d never met him. All of what I’m behind on and then some. But like I said, its not him, its me. I can’t let shit go. I don’t cut people off. I listen to them instead of watching what they do.
I’mma stand my ground. I’ve called twice, he didn’t pick up so unless he’s dead or in jail Ill be expecting a call but I wont answer, well at least not on the first call.
I’m a damn firework with a the sweetest hangover…. This is the last night I let myself let him get in the way of my progression.
I am remembering
old posts that I wrote about these ENDLESS wedding projects that I NEED to do but haven’t because of this or that reason. Guess what I’ve been doing lately? YEP, all those projects. I have help… God sent me help… Not help doing the work but help getting organized so that my mind is not so much of a bumblefuck that I can actually do the work while balancing my personal life and work life.
Being productive everyday is freeing, I can think so much more clearer. It feels great to no wake up with anxiety everyday and not to worry constantly. It sucks that it has taken so long to come to this point but I’m glad it finally came. I still have a lot to do but I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel so I can’t give up now.
I do wish though that “keeping” busy was enough to ward off the lonelies. Usually retail therapy works but right now that would be counter-productive because I’m trying to save money so me and lil man can move. I would go out and party and drink the lonelies away but now I can only hang out after lil man’s in bed on the weekends. There’s to be no alcoholic beverages in this house (reason #3928374 why I need to be moving on outta here). I spent this past Saturday night/Sunday morning with Ben. It was a magnificent night of rolling in the sack after drinking too much Patron. But since I’m protecting my heart and keeping it “physical”, I cannot call him too much, so I try not to call during the week. We’re just friends and its just sex so he cannot be a part of my weekday agenda (I sure wish thoughts of him would get outta my head). So he doesn’t help with the lonelies either ( he adds to it).
My phone barely rings unless its the STBX saying something random. I get a least 5 calls from him daily and a few texts to boot. He can be so annoying and I dont want attention from him……
i’m nodding off… goodnight tumblrs…. I’m not posting much but I’m reading what you post….oooohhhh I forgot to tell ya’ll about my song… everyone LOVES it. I’m gonna rerecord it so you guys can here it…. okay nighty nighty
I’m not superman
I’m feeling a little blue today. Its not a fair feeling really seeing that things happen at a very slow pace in life. Well good things (or so it seems sometimes) and on top of that I’m PMS’n and my hormones are all over the place. I haven’t eaten anything so that’s not helping. Either. I’m feeling FUNKY.
I watched the documentary WAITING FOR SUPERMAN today. I cried. As a person that works with inner-city youth its tough. I LOVE what I do but I always feel like I’m not doing enough. Unlike the youth in the movie, the kids I work with are unmotivated and their attitude toward education is completely nonchalant. Their parents or grandparents do the best they can. There are a few that are motivated but the home life is so JACKED that they too could fall victim. I’m considering going back to school to finish my undergrad degree and then continuing on to my Masters. Georgia State University has a degree program in Urban Education. And as tiring as it can be to teach kids deemed “at-risk,” I gotta do something to make more money. I know that I’m in the right arena (working with kids) but I’m starting to think that I need to explore other avenues to use my skills. I don’t know… I’m rambling, holding back tears….
fuck you hormones…..grumph
I think I’mma go to bible study tonight. I need a spiritual pick-me-up.
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